When 2020 (which I had affirmed would be “my year to thrive”) hit us all with a strong plot twist called COVID-19, I found myself reverting back to my coping mechanism when overwhelmed = shutting down and hiding within myself.
I’m a big picture thinker and sometimes the big picture can be overwhelming. Over the years, I’ve learned how to break the picture down in small puzzle “action item” pieces so I approach everything one action item at a time but… Sometimes I also get overwhelmed by all the little pieces and lose myself within the anticipatory anxiety of everything that needs to be done.
It took a good month and a half to figuratively climb out of my self-dug hermit hole… But I’m here. Officially out and and it’s crazy how something as simple as showing up, especially under these circumstances, feels like a major victory. But it does. And I’ma own it. *pats self on back*
Soooo here’s the 411 of life happening lately within my realm of reality.
Professionally
Some of you may or may not know this already? I work in higher education, at a university – specifically within a college of visual and performing arts. Full-time, as an assistant director for an arts management program and, part-time, as an adjunct professor for a dance program. In response to this pandemic, my university extended spring break by an extra week, made it official that we would move all courses online for the rest of this semester and this week marks my first week teaching dance in an online format.
Despite the daunting task of taking the arts (which any artist/arts teacher will tell you is best experienced and taught in person) and figuring out how to “box” them into a standardized online format, I’ve never been more inspired by the collective organizing and camaraderie among my colleagues that’s come out of this unexpected mandate.
I haven’t got my entire dance class curriculum moved online but, so far, I’ve got the next three weeks (six classes) planned out. Wish me luck!
Personally
Beginning last summer and going into 2020, I’ve taken action to build better relationships with each individual member in my immediate family. It’s been a process. Heck, it’s still a process. Addressing issues from the past so we know longer bring them into our relationships in the future. Working to find a new common place of connection based on who we are now and checking ourselves to not trigger-ly treat each other like who we were back then.
There have been some really hard but important in person conversations and interactions to help lift the rug and sweep the dust and dirt out from our family space, for good.
Whether family or friend, I’ve realized that love and caring doesn’t mean anything without communication. And in our digital age, I’ve found direct communication always works best and has more impact when done in person.
But now… Now loving or showing you care for another person means staying away.
It’s been a new norm that has taken some time to get used to… Resulting in new kinds of decisions and conversations being had.
Most recently, I found myself saying no to watching my little sister for the first time in a lonnng time… A decision I felt (heck, still feel) really torn about. But what if she picks up something from coming into our condo building and then takes it back to my dad and bro and they get sick? Or vice versa?
Prior to that, I had a conversation with my mom (who was considering driving from Chicago to the DMV for Cambodian New Years in a few weeks) where I told her if she came down to visit, I would not be seeing her for her own benefit.
And then there was a recent facetime with my Grams to check in and affirm her needing to stay home moving forward despite what I know is the innate goodness in her heart to go out and help others.
Talk about role reversal and having to make hard decisions that go against my first instinct. It still feels uncomfortable but I know these are the right things to say or do right now.
Homely
Charles and I have been working from home these past two weeks and have been mandated by our jobs to telework until mid-May, until further notice. We are thankful to have some sort of job security that allows us to work from home, a real privilege right now, when we know many others are either currently without a job or still have to go in and work on-site.
Add in watching the rest of the world deal the same invisible enemy that America is dealing and feeling frustrated by how many countries have taken a more unified trajectory/effort to flatten the curve and support their citizens medically and financially in comparison to ours…
What do I do? How can I help beyond donating money? Beyond saying no to social to-dos? Beyond staying home? Beyond checking in on my immediate circle? I’m not sure.
Soooo I’ve just been trying to focus on doing do what I can that’s within my control.
Just taking it one day and, sometimes, one hour at a time.
Get up, workout, shower, go to work at my desk, make lunch, back to work, make dinner, try to watch some light t.v. or work on something creative or facetime a friend/family member, get some sleep – REPEAT with a whole lot of handwashing and disinfecting in between until my two cleaning bottles run out.
Creatively
I’ve been dancing, working out, and yoga-ing at home. Listening to rainforest sounds when my mind feels pent up. Reading trashy romance novels. Improvising recipes using whatever we have in the fridge. Setting 30 min. daily limits on how much news and social media I consume.
I’ve edited a few sets of photos and drafted a few blog posts but I’m not sure of timing when it comes to hitting the “publish” button.
Charles and I went on 4 trips last year and I didn’t post anything about them.
Insert my motto “live first, post later” here.
But even though it’s now “later”, I’ve been going back and forth between:
1) wondering if it’s insensitive to post about travel in a time where traveling has developed a negative stigma?
2) contrastingly wondering if maybe posting travel content would provide a nice “getaway” for those who are stuck at home?
3) and then, outlier, wondering if, right now, when everyone is diving deep into digital creation as way to cope with being isolated/bored – should I add to the noise? or is my purpose right now to just be still?
My inner compass hasn’t yet figured out which of these thought bubbles points to north yet…
So in the meantime, I’ll be where I’ve been = Home.
Doing what I can to protect my peace of mind… Because, when the world is buzzing with all types of positive/negative energy and messages, I realize staying open, hopeful and adaptable to every changing moment will be crucial to not losing my sense of self and protecting my capacity to appreciate the little moments of joy and beauty that life can sometimes provide in the midst of chaos.
Hoping you and yours are staying safe and mentally/physically healthy during these (for lack of a better word) interesting times.
xo, Setarra
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