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It’s a very subjective and constantly evolving thing… A woman’s relationship with her body.
My body’s been through a lot of phases in the past 30 years. Let’s see… There was:
– my “pre-period’ body
– my “after period” body
– my “super fit dancer” body
– my “post knee surgery, lost all my muscle and was feeble thin” body
– my “got married and gained 5-10 lbs. of happy fat” body
– and, the last phase, my “juggling work and grad school and gained an additional 20 lbs” body.
For the past year or so, I’ve been working to re-establish a more positive relationship with the external parts of myself.
Upon completing grad school and realizing that I needed to make myself more of a priority, We (my body and I) entered a new phase: my “loving myself where I am while working on where I want to be” body.
It’s a process I’m still navigating through.
And so for today’s Self Portrait Sunday post, I thought I’d share with you a few of the parts of myself that I do truly love but have a tendency to feel self-conscious about in moments of insecurity.
These are my perfectious imperfections.
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^^ My Chin.
Having a weak chin/ jawline has always been a feature of mine that I’ve been conscious about… To the point that once a week, I do chin exercises. Yea, I said it. CHIN EXERCISES. I’ve been doing them for the past couple of years and have yet to see that much of a change. But they make me feel better when I do them, so I do lol.
It wasn’t until I finally cut my hair pixie short last summer (after having hairdresser after hairdresser tell me my chin was too weak to have a pixie cut since I was a teen) that I feel like I made a big step towards getting over my chin insecurity.
^^ My stomach.
Even at my skinniest, I never had abs. At most, I maybe had the outline of two pack. After gaining 20 lbs in the past 3 years, my go-to uniform has been a loose fitting top and tight pants/jeans. But lately, since working out consistently for the past 5 months, I’ve found myself gravitating towards clothes that are actually my size as opposed to one size larger so it wouldn’t be tight around my middle.
It’s been nice. Feeling confident in my stomach enough to start dressing and presenting myself how I actually see myself… Knowing full well I’ll still have stomach rolls when I sit down and being 100% okay with it.
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^^ My eyes.
My right eye tends to bulge out more than my left eye. And when I smile, the eye bulge becomes even more pronounced. It’s one of the reasons why I always like to take pictures with the left side of my face closer to the camera… Because then my right eye is further away from the camera and looks smaller.
Full face frontal photos give me a bit of anxiety and it’s something I’m working on. Instead of trying to place myself in group photos with my “best side” forward, I’ve been making a conscious effort to stay where I am and just take the damn picture. No extra fidgeting or neck hurting head angles.
^^ Speaking of smiles…
Did you guys know I was born without a tooth? As a result, my smile has always been crooked with my two front teeth being off center.
After having issues with my bite for a while that eventually led to me having constant pain when I eat (my top and bottom teeth don’t touch when I bite down), I finally gave in and got braces. Primarily to fix my bite and, secondarily, to fix my smile. A win, win situation overall.
6 more months of braces to go!
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^^ My thighs.
Ya’ll. The thunder is real. My thighs have been a point of contention since I was a kid, taking ballet and wishing I had skinnier thighs so I could have nicer body lines. Add in the complexities of growing up mixed and wishing I had legs that looked like my Asian cousins’… I used to wear wide leg pants all the time to hide my thighs and booty.
It wasn’t until I moved down from Chicago to DC in the 6th grade and went to a school that had a majorly black student body that I learned to embrace my curves. Having friends with bodies that looked like mine and to grow up in a culture where being “thick” was a good thing?! Goodness, what a difference that made in my life and how I saw myself.
Currently, I still have a hard time finding good quality pants that properly fit and aren’t too expensive which can be frustrating. I’ll go into a dressing room with a whole bunch of different pants/jeans that range from size 8-14 to try on and sometimes, none of them will fit. Heck, some I can’t get past my calves lol.
If you have any recommendations for curvy fit pants/ jeans brands that are decently priced, holla at your girl.
I have a notebook full of ideas for Self Portrait Sunday posts that I’ve punked out on due to various reasons and insecurities. And if I’m going to be completely honest, the idea for this post has been two years in the making.
It’s a funny contradiction. How wearing a 2 piece bikini in public is acceptable but wearing underwear isn’t as much. I mean, the same body parts are covered, right?
Charles and I even had a discussion on what the best approach was for taking photos for this post…
As a married woman, would it be “better or more acceptable” to have him take photos of me since he’s my husband?
No. Because then these photos would be presented through the male gaze and I wanted to share these photos through my gaze. The female gaze… Of a woman dancing to music by herself in front of the mirror because when I’m dancing is when I feel the most confident in my skin.
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These photos aren’t perfect. They were taken at night and indoor night photography isn’t a strength of mine yet. Some are grainy or blurry and I’m okay with it. They’re perfectly imperfect in their own way which felt appropriate considering the theme for today’s post.
With that said, I’m going to end with a few words from the first Self Portrait Sunday post I ever shared three years ago… Wise words from a younger Setarra who knew exactly what she needed to do but had yet to find the confidence to fully follow through.
“I spend most of my time taking pictures of other people, places, and things… Rarely do I ever put the spotlight on myself… I guess I’m hoping that by turning the camera on myself, I’ll be forced to actually deal with me if that makes any sense.”
And so here I am, finally dealing with myself. Perfectious imperfections and all.
What are some perfectious imperfections about yourself that you’ve come to accept and love?
xo, Setarra
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