Tomorrow, Charles and I will celebrate 4 years of marriage and 11 years of togetherness.
And, truth be told, this past year and a half of marriage/togetherness has been one of our toughest ones yet.
Summed up… Charles and I have been partners for over 10 years now and, I think that over time, routines were created and, with those routines, a stagnant energy developed that created an invisible wall in our relationship. A wall we weren’t aware of until we were which is when we started to intentionally work our way out of this routine rut last year.
– From going on monthly dates to setting boundaries with how much we use our phones when we’re with each other.
– Having honest conversations about what we do or do not like about each other as we continue to grow and change as individuals and figuring out ways to work through these peeves (relationship tip: never go around issues, always through).
– Constantly reminding ourselves to not assume the other person knows what we’re thinking or wants/needs regardless of how long we’ve been together.
– Relearning how to fight fairly, reassigning home chores, and being open to trying anything new in the bedroom to keep things spicy.
– Identifying the parts of the past we allowed to find its ways into our present and finding the courage and trust to let go of said past so it doesn’t continue to lurk in the background as we move into the future.
^^ These are just a few of the many things we’ve been working on in the past 18 months.
Over the years, I’ve learned to approach our love and marriage in layers…
Every once in a while, whether planned or unexpected, we have had to shed a layer of “relationship skin” in order to regain and maintain our connection with each other.
But as you know, shedding skin is not the most pretty thing to go through.
Sometimes, the skin comes off in patches. Sometimes you pick the skin off before it’s ready, revealing a raw, sensitive piece of new skin that reels against being exposed to the world too soon. Sometimes, despite the skin being itchy and flaky, it won’t budge and you just gotta moisturize and let it come off on its own time.
It’s an ugly/beautiful kind of process and you wanna know what? It’s completely normal.
The last time Charles and I shed a major layer in our relationship was about five years ago, in the months leading up to when I moved from NYC to Virginia and he proposed and we didn’t get out of that transition until a little after our first year of living together.
Prior to that, a year before I moved to NYC, we worked through another layer in our relationship when we made the decision to pursue our careers independent of our relationship and committed to making it work long distance.
We got through those moments and are just about out of the woods with our current episode of growing pains. (Annnnd according to my friend’s aunt, we should anticipate shedding another layer after we have kids sooooo yea, looking forward to that.)
As tough as the process of losing and accepting new layers in our relationship may be, it’s a cyclical reinvestment in ourselves that continues to play a major role in why we’ve been together for as long as we have.
Honest Communication is key. Love is the glue. Patience and Empathy are virtue and Pride is the mocha frappin devil.
(And for those moments when we’re butting heads and having a hard time communicating through opposing views… We’ve learned to take a timeout, get a little (or big) bang bang session in and see if the issue is still worth the debate after an orgasm or two. If it is, we continue to hash it out. If not, we keep it moving – together and forward. Hashtag that saying “pick your battles” really is true.)
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Dear Charles,
With growth, comes change. It’s inevitable and maintaining a connection with each other through these changes is non-negotiable. It’s a daily cause that has been and is absolutely worth fighting for especially when I know 100% that there is no one I would rather go through hard and happy times with.
Cheers to growing and shedding and getting comfortable in this new skin we’ve revealed. Happy Anniversary. I love you boo.
xo, Setarra
P.S. More ‘love’ posts HERE
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